The Big D (depression)

I went for my second midwife appointment yesterday and we discussed mental health. I devolved that I had a year and half ago suffered with depression, and that I have suffered from severe PMS in the past which has bought with it minor episodes of depression. When I visit my mainstream doctors they have ‘Depression’ on the side bar of my medical page. The first time I saw this my heart dropped. I have a label. Don’t get me wrong it was reassuring to see that they have this in clear sight so as to keep an eye one me. Thing was, I never needed anti-depressants (I was very, very close to receiving them even though every part of me screamed ‘no’). I managed to avert taking them through diet changes (that's another post).

Anyway now I have the mental health box ticked on my maternity notes. And what surprises me the most about this is that I hate it. To me this is a big embarrassing sign that says ‘weakness’. I should know better. I know people with depression, one of my best friends has it, and I don’t judge them or see it as a weakness at all. But for me...well that’s another story! Because I have prided myself on being 'miss independent' for ever (and yes a bit of a control freak at times). So discussing the prospect of Post partnum Depression is terrifying, in that I might not have control over it. I can change my thoughts, I have worked hard on that. I know some women may suffer some form of the blues after baby comes, because as my midwife explains it it is really post partnum anxiety. Because of course there’s lots to be anxious about with a screaming bundle of new life that robs you of sleep. But I know that I can be open and accept that ‘this too shall pass’ but when hormones are at play…well I have very little control over these taking over my moods. And it scares me to think the big D word may re-enter my life again.

So yesterday I decided to welcome the big D. I had an ‘off’ day yesterday, and woke scared that it was in my company again. So I visualised opening the door and saying hello and talking to big D. I have a very clear picture in my head of a dark cloaked figure in this square room with me. It was weirdly a birds eye view. I explained to the big D that I knew it would come and go in my life, but it would never be wholly welcomed, just accepted. That I saw its presence, knew it was there, and that some days it would seem larger and take up more space in my room, but that I was still there, and we shared this space. I did not belong solely him (yes it took on a masculine quality) and that I had an inner light that I could care for and when I felt good it shone bright and the big D became smaller. And some days my light would weaken and the big D would swell, but my light would never go out, no matter how small it might become and I had a tool kit to help me keep the light going, and growing. He seemed to understand and accept.

I felt so much calmer after this visualisation/daydream, and so much more at peace. Reading back over what I have written it sounds kinda quirky and very new agey - but ya know what, it really helped. 

The main thing with any challenge in life is to accept and acknowledge it, and from that there seems to be an extra power that grows. Now I think of it, the visualization was very much in black and white tones…and it now it makes me think of Yin and Yan. The dark and light co-existing in life.

I AM

The simplicity of ‘I AM’ suggests a universality of thought. It is open to self revelation, self redemption and a myriad of rich images of self that can be built upon.

As you move into new territories - perhaps you want to re-study, perhaps deep down you know you are not following your passion - it takes courage.

I read and admire Paulo Coelho. In all his books the message is to follow your dreams, find your passion and follow it. I love his books, and I love his message. But I have (and maybe still do) struggle with it. Because of this question: What is my passion?? I can narrow it down to the areas I love: drama, working with children, assisting special needs children, but I can't find a neat label, that fits a neat job. However one way which has helped me decide (and keep deciding) what paths I want to take is to use this phrase; "I AM a _____" and fill in the gaps. 

A few months back when I was looking into starting my own drama classes (something I have put off due to poor health - a nice convenient excuse!) I was filled with deep self doubt. (It is still there and I fight it daily.) So I thought it was time to stop waiting for it to happen and state that it had happened. I began to say to myself 'I AM a drama teacher'. I may not be working at this moment in time, but I am one. From there, as is always the way when you 'put it out there', changes and shifts begin. I now take a weekly class, and I hope to grow it in whatever way I can. And when I am taking that class I am buzzing. 

I AM a ____ is also a great test to see if you really are in the right career path. Say it to yourself, how does it make you feel? I think you will feel a couple of responses, You'll either know that your current job is not you. The I AM a ____ will sit flat within you, it won't resonate throughout you, OR it could scare the living daylights out of you. I tried this one: I AM an actress (a passion more than a wish to be famous or on the telly). I actually felt nauseous saying this. Literally the pit of my stomach churned as I said this to myself. My inner 'keep me small and safe voice' said, 'How dare you! You are not brave enough for that. That is a laughable desire, people don't take performers seriously. Grow up.' Like I said. It takes courage. I read this the other day, 'The thing we fear the most is usually the thing we are here to do.' (Author unknown.) 

***When I say to myself I AM an actress, I am just looking for, and embracing the opportunities to act/perform, in whatever ways they come into my life...and hopefully not in the same way as Mr G from Summer Heights High! (Watch it it is hilarious!))

Try it. Say to yourself I AM a_____ and feel the response.

                                                       ..~***~..

I wrote up this blog post then went off to my Naturopath appointment where the magazine I picked up had a whole article on just this topic...co-incidence? I think not. It was called 'Follow your Bliss' (read it here) and it talked about finding out what your dharma or life purpose is. It explained that your dharma does not actually have to be your job or career. It could be hobby or interest such as gardening. It will be the thing that feels right. The article states; 'When you are engaged in the activity that is your passion, it's said that you may experience the sensation of time standing still, of being in the zone.' 

Then again when creating the link to Paulo's blog I found he had this practical post on how to put your dreams into practice: Dreams the 12 Steps

Tea Party for One

Last year I got pretty sick, mentally and physically. I was always tired and stressed out. I had been for some years actually - I was an all or nothing kinda person. If I did the dishes I did them fast, furiously so that then, they would be done, and then I could relax. But then there would be the bathroom, the laundry, the floors. Let's face it housecleaning never stops. You have to decide when to stop. At work, when starting a new job, I did things fast, I rushed hoping to prove I would prove my efficiency and worth. I had to re-train myself to do things slower. Everything slower- I told myself 'One third slower'. I had to really focus on slowing down my hands movements when scrubbing the pots or washing my hands in the bathroom at work - giving myself time to breath deeply. If you don't go slow in the moment, the rest and slow time, that you promise yourself for later, never comes. Because you set the standard, and the standard is fast.

I was given a 'tea set' for Christmas from my Mother in Law. I love  it. I love the egg shell pastel blue of the tea pot, and cups. What I love most about it is that when I decide to have a cup of 'proper' tea (loose leaf - the only  tea worth drinking if you ask my mother) it is a real little treat. It is a little ritual. You can't just bung a bag in a cup and pour in hot water, you need to preheat the teapot a little, chose which tea you are going to enjoy (I was also given a variety of small containers of tea), measure out the leaves, and choose between a spotty cup or the cup and saucer. (These cups by the way are not used for 'normal' teabag cups of tea - oh deary me no! They are reserved for this special wee pot of tea.)

The Japanese have a much longer and more significant tea ceremony. Which is all about treasuring the small things, the everyday things, and living in the here and now.

The Japanese Tea Ceremony

The Japanese tea ceremony is called Chanoyu, Sado or simply Ocha in Japanese. It is a choreographic ritual of preparing and serving Japanese green tea, called Matcha, together with traditional Japanese sweets to balance with the bitter taste of the tea. Preparing tea in this ceremony means pouring all one's attention into the predefined movements. The whole process is not about drinking tea, but is about aesthetics, preparing a bowl of tea from one's heart. The host of the ceremony always considers the guests with every movement and gesture. Even the placement of the tea utensils is considered from the guests view point (angle), especially the main guests called the Shokyaku.

Of course these ceremonies focus a lot more on social aspects. The 4 principles behind the ceremonies being:

 harmony, respect, purity,and tranquility (wa, kae, sae, jubuo)

• harmony: with other people and with nature.  the tea ceremony is the way of bringing one’s self into harmony with nature.
• respects: a harmonious relationship with others. 
• purity: clean yourselves through the five senses - sense of hearing when hearing the sound of water(which remind one of the silence outside), sense of sight when see the flowers, sense of touch when touch the utensils, sense of smell when smell the scent of the flowers, sense of taste when drinking tea.
• tranquility

But in our society, to feel a little special, to create a little space of downtime, and stillness why not have tea for one (or two).