The Big D (depression)

I went for my second midwife appointment yesterday and we discussed mental health. I devolved that I had a year and half ago suffered with depression, and that I have suffered from severe PMS in the past which has bought with it minor episodes of depression. When I visit my mainstream doctors they have ‘Depression’ on the side bar of my medical page. The first time I saw this my heart dropped. I have a label. Don’t get me wrong it was reassuring to see that they have this in clear sight so as to keep an eye one me. Thing was, I never needed anti-depressants (I was very, very close to receiving them even though every part of me screamed ‘no’). I managed to avert taking them through diet changes (that's another post).

Anyway now I have the mental health box ticked on my maternity notes. And what surprises me the most about this is that I hate it. To me this is a big embarrassing sign that says ‘weakness’. I should know better. I know people with depression, one of my best friends has it, and I don’t judge them or see it as a weakness at all. But for me...well that’s another story! Because I have prided myself on being 'miss independent' for ever (and yes a bit of a control freak at times). So discussing the prospect of Post partnum Depression is terrifying, in that I might not have control over it. I can change my thoughts, I have worked hard on that. I know some women may suffer some form of the blues after baby comes, because as my midwife explains it it is really post partnum anxiety. Because of course there’s lots to be anxious about with a screaming bundle of new life that robs you of sleep. But I know that I can be open and accept that ‘this too shall pass’ but when hormones are at play…well I have very little control over these taking over my moods. And it scares me to think the big D word may re-enter my life again.

So yesterday I decided to welcome the big D. I had an ‘off’ day yesterday, and woke scared that it was in my company again. So I visualised opening the door and saying hello and talking to big D. I have a very clear picture in my head of a dark cloaked figure in this square room with me. It was weirdly a birds eye view. I explained to the big D that I knew it would come and go in my life, but it would never be wholly welcomed, just accepted. That I saw its presence, knew it was there, and that some days it would seem larger and take up more space in my room, but that I was still there, and we shared this space. I did not belong solely him (yes it took on a masculine quality) and that I had an inner light that I could care for and when I felt good it shone bright and the big D became smaller. And some days my light would weaken and the big D would swell, but my light would never go out, no matter how small it might become and I had a tool kit to help me keep the light going, and growing. He seemed to understand and accept.

I felt so much calmer after this visualisation/daydream, and so much more at peace. Reading back over what I have written it sounds kinda quirky and very new agey - but ya know what, it really helped. 

The main thing with any challenge in life is to accept and acknowledge it, and from that there seems to be an extra power that grows. Now I think of it, the visualization was very much in black and white tones…and it now it makes me think of Yin and Yan. The dark and light co-existing in life.